In Episode Two, I take a beautifully written introduction and uncover the four major reasons the writer can’t get it to work. Episode Two includes:
- A Viewpoint/Filter Crash
- A Priority Crash
- A Human Nature Crash, and
- A Structural Crash
This crit brought to you by me, with the help of volunteers from HowToThinkSideways.com who submitted work they knew had problems for me to crit.
In answer to a privately-asked question:
Yes, you are welcome to add this video to your own website, send people to this site, or both.
Here is the EMBED code (basically, you cut and paste this into your website, and the video will appear there.)
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CREDITS:
Writer Crash Test Series Music:
“Mysterious Stranger,” © Jack Waldenmaier
Music Bakery Publishing BMI
WARNING: Unauthorized use of the music contained in this production is subject to criminal prosecution.
All copyrights, licensing, duplication, and distribution rights are held exclusively by The Music Bakery (BMI).
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The image “Decay Zombie” was purchased from BigStockPhoto.com, and is copyright © Chris Harvey.
The image “Haunted House” was purchased from BigStockPhoto.com, and is copyright © Dunca Daniel.
This movie was made with a MacBook, Apple Keynote, Photobooth (the author photos), Screenflow, a Logitech webcam for Mac, and a Blue Snowball mic.
This production is Copyright 2009 by Holly Lisle. All Rights Reserved.
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I’m not a writer, so I’m probably wrong about this, but I have zero interest in the 16-year old and his angst and fear. Just not crazy about those teenage boy coming of age stories, of which there are legions, and really tired of celebrations of war. I was very interested in why all these people are so angry with each other, and what lovely politics is going on between them that forces them together against their will, because that relates directly to things going on in today’s world. While the author followed the kid with the carrion crow of fear riding around on his shoulder; personally, I’d rather read about the conniving group of people about ready to kill each other, who seem more interesting. Of course that wasn’t the writer’s story. When the detail is so rich about one part of the story and so stale about another, I’d question the path the author is taking; of course, it is their story and not mine. I’m curious about the process of creating a handmade bride (it would be nice if the process could be equally applied to a potential groom), and why so much trouble was taken to deliver this model of perfection (doomed to failure) to the groom, who must be associated with a family of some power. That’s the story I want to read. The problem, as I see it, is everything in those paragraphs is more interesting than the 400-year-old man, who reminds one too much of a Mel Brooks routine (if you are as old as I am), and takes all suspense out of the story…if you know the kid is going to grow up to be 400 years old, then you aren’t worried about his survival, so I do think it is wise to take out the framing story (which I don’t mind as much as you do…sometimes I enjoy the irony that the framing story provides to an otherwise ordinary tale). Oh well, despite my personal taste in literature, and apologies for imposing it on anyone else, I love the latest case, and looking for more. They are very entertaining and informative.
I also apologize for the run on sentence. I do know that punctuation exists; I just chose to ignore it for a few sentences.
I liked the suggestion of the writer putting himself in the position of one of the secondary characters to filter a realistic reaction to this 400 year-old story. Something I hadn’t thought of doing. Thanks, Holly!
Holly, you are so good! I love how you break down the fixes clearly enough for any crash test dummy like me can understand how to write better and fix mistakes. Thank you,
Mary Ann
Hi, Dianne!
To answer the long comment at the beginning:
The job of the writer critting another writer’s work is to discover the problems, address the principles by which the problems can be fixed, and then get out of the way. The worst crits a writer can receiver contain the words “here is what you should do,” or “here is what I would do,” or even “here is what I would like to read.” The reason why is that a novel is one person’s vision, and must remain that way to have any value.
(I ignore all crits that suggest, “You should do X,” or “If I were you, I’d do Y,” and I suspect other writers confident of the value of their own thoughts do the same. My books are my vision, drawn from my life and experiences. The folks who want to help by injecting their own experiences and opinions into another writer’s work will have to write their own books.)
As writers, all we have to offer in our fiction is ourselves. Our lives, our passions, our experiences, our struggles, our philosophies, and our hungers. These are grist for fiction.
So when I crit, I do not suggest what the writer should do. I create examples that are one possible direction—but I as a writer would never consider following one of my suggestions as written. For all I know, the writer of the Peltrasius segment intended the real story to be about Peltrasius’ brother, who was thirty at the time, or about his sister-in-law…or about the gods themselves. I make no attempt to guess where the writer hoped to take his story.
Writing has principles, and I teach the principles; but like Socrates, I’ve found that asking good questions elicits much more understanding about problems and how to solve them than just saying, “Fix this, then this.” Every problem has countless solutions. A question leads the writer to the one that’s right for his work—his OWN solution.
I ask myself questions when I’m writing, too.
My examples are not answers. They simply illustrate the principles involved and the techniques needed to correct the problem I found. They are not anything the writer would actually want to use verbatim.
I actually wasn’t suggesting anyone would mess with another author’s story…I was just saying that the story I would like to read is not the one that the author chose. Doesn’t mean anything since I’m not an expert on writing and never claimed to be, and never will be an author myself…I was speaking only as a potential reader. The path not taken was more interesting to me, that’s all. Not a criticism of the story chosen; just a personal preference which I should not have shared. My apologies to you and the true author. Thank you.
These are terrific, Holly. Thanks!
Dianne,
I think the 16 year old kid thing was Holly’s suggestion as to how the story might start with more action. The original author was apparently going to tell the story of the handmade bride, possibly mixed in with the political scheming and vendettas. I only say that since the opening seemed geared that way.
Two things I really took away from this:
1) Write the good stuff. How quickly we forget, which is why maybe when we’re writing and hating the process, we’re just annoyed we haven’t gotten to the good stuff yet.
2) I love the info about framing a story, and how to avoid it. I think it’s because it HAS been used so often that it’s considered by many writers to be genuine, and we needed a little wake-up call that it’s boring.
I concur entirely. Thanks for the reminder.
Ooo, I hate it when somebody tells me I shouldn’t do something! I’m just contrary enough to want to try it.
I suspect that the problem of the “framing story” is that Holly is right, and it is just extraneous dead wood. But I agree with Dianne that it sounds more interesting than the story the patrician will tell. Which brings up the question–”Are nested stories bad?” Would it have been possible to interconnect the three levels of stories into a surprising whole?
Anyway, many thanks, Holly, for the thoughtfulness and clarity of your “Crash Tests.” They are truly helpful!
Hey there – I’m the author of this piece. Thank you so much Holly for your really great insights. As I listened to your crit, I was nodding my head with each one – seeing how the vagaries of elements had caused the story to drift off course. I am so thankful that you offered your time to give my work the benefit of your advice.
This truly was a case of “I know it’s not working, but I’m not sure why.” And yes, this was from an abandoned piece that I just thought was just becoming too gimmicky. The intent was to weave two separate but parallel stories: The story told by Peltrasius and the events occurring during the festival that he’s at.
I started out a bit confused. You critiqued this bit, but based it on some information that wasn’t in this video — the rest of the story. From the snippet presented, I thought that the story was going to be about the fractious factions, the “in the beginning” story that Peltrasius was about to share a new tidbit, not previously revealed, something that would cause the crowd to have their world rocked off its base.
Since we didn’t know that the real story was Peltrasius’ story of 400 years ago, I assumed that what would follow was something different than apparently what did follow.
But otherwise, I enjoyed the crash test, and did learn some things from it. Thanks.
@Linda
Holly only had those 500 words to go on – the same ones in the video. She had no other information at all.
The fault was in my writing – I slipped in bits that I thought were adding depth, but were really just confusing the issue and making the story muddled right from the start.
But oddly, yes, the story Peltrasius was going to tell wasn’t going to be what everyone expected it to be.
Awesome crash test! As a wannabe writer mesalf, I enjoy taking notes while watching these and referring back to them as I write. They really help a lot! Thank you! As for the story – I’d read it! It WAS beautifully written and interesting, but chur. Awesome advice, Holly! Thank you.
This is wonderful stuff! Thank you!
Wow! I’m impressed again by your ability to really analyze a piece and break it down into such easily understandable points. Reading this, my overall impression was just that the whole banquet full of enemies settling down to a 400 year old story kind of put me to sleep (so I guess I got your “Don’t ignore human nature” point down.)
But having made a few of these very mistakes myself, I found this video another informative and entertaining aide to my writing.
Haha. “Right. Freaking. Now.”
Spot on. Ditto earlier posters re: knowing that something wasn’t quite right, but not able to nail the ’something’ down. And I love that you’ve fixed the text highlights. _Much_ easier to read. Thanks for all you’re doing for us.
Hi, Bruce–
Thanks Holly. I am looking forward to the next crash test. This is a fun way to learn.
Cool and deep.
aghgh. I wanna see it. What dowa the little rectangle with the red sqaure, green circle and blue triangle mean? Other than I cannot get the video?
I’m doing a teaching course right now and can confidently say you’ve got it nailed re crits. So apples for the teacher all round!
I’ve enjoyed all of your writer crash tests so far. You are always one step ahead of me (I’m talking about your HTTS course), which is a great help! One thing I did not get from this podcast is just exactly how you define a frame. You’ve dismissed it without defining it.
Holly, please tell me what you mean by frame?
Many thanks from one of your devoted legions of students.
Deb
Wow you give some great (and splendidly simple) tips Ms Lisle!
If I could just present an alternative viewpoint on one statement that kinda made me uncomfortable from this crit I think it would be worth a little debate.
To say that readers dont want to be reminded they are reading a story is a little bit of a strong statement, in actual fact i love that kind of story, if its done well it has you thinking about the whole nature of storytelling and why this is such an important part of human communication. For examples of doing it beautifully, look at Neil Gaiman’s work, particularly in sections of the Sandman. Gorgeous.
Also the kind of audience who would probably enjoy a story like this would most likely be into the mythology or history of ancient cultures, and the balance between those two, how they mix together to become indistinguishable in some cases (like the Illiad). It makes for an interesting theme to explore, thats all I want to say.
I dont think you’re wrong, just that we could miss out on some really good ‘nature-of-stories-and-storytelling’ books if everyone followed that piece of advice too far!