How Lesson 1 has saved my marriage AND my muse....

[wezandtez]

This week I started Lesson 1 of the HTTS course....okay, so its probably a little early to expect dramatic improvements in my writing but to my surprise, Lesson 1 has already made a dramatic improvement in my life.

About a year ago I was 55,000 words into my first novel and having the time of my life....my muse was on overdrive, pages and pages were flowing from my pen and I went to bed at night dreaming of my characters and hearing their conversations in my head. Then I discovered my husband was having an affair.

The muse inside me instantly withered up and died. In a way I think it took so much of my strength to pull it together and carry on for my 4 little kids that there just wasn't enough left for the muse to work with. After a horrible couple of months my husband and I decided to work it out, went to counselling, etc. and moved on with our lives, but the muse did not return.

A year has passed and I have been unable to write a word....I don't know why, I still think about my characters all the time, I still go to bed imagining their scenes in my head but I cannot write. I had read about Holly's HTTS course a few months earlier so I thought maybe I should give it a try.

The VICTIM statement in Lesson 1 instantly hit home. I was and still am living as a victim of the affair. Although my husband and I are trying to work things out, internally I have a mountain of resentment towards him. As he does not want to talk about 'the situation' and just wants to get on with his life, this resentment has been simmering away on the boil for a year.

I know its not healthy, I know its not helping the relationship and it certainly isn't helping my inner peace and happiness but for some reason I just can't let it go. Its almost as if the resentment has become a security blanket that I can't let go of - I am not whole without it.

Then I had a lightbulb moment.....what if this resentment that I am holding on to is actually the thing that is blocking my muse? The pure and inspired and clever muse (who I imagine looks somewhat like Cate Blanchett as Galadriel) cannot let her rays of light shine because there is a hulking, festering, black monster of resentment crouching over her.

So I have to kill this resentment monster to set my muse free (its a very St. George and the dragonesque type scenario in my head). But how do I do that? I don't even know where to start.

Back to Lesson 1 of HTTS and we are up to the section on clustering. I figure clustering relates to brain storming and as I have no idea what to do about this resentment and how to get rid of it I might as well try brain storming the problem and see what comes out. This is a genius idea.

So I started off with my first cluster in the middle of the page - the heart of the resentment monster itself - THE AFFAIR.

Then around THE AFFAIR I wrote down all the things that are bothering me about the affair in little clouds. It surprised me at how quickly they came to mind. There were quite a few of them. Im going to write them here for you because a) writing this is actually quite therapeutic for me, b) my muse is enjoying the writing and c) if your partner has ever had an affair it helps to know you are not alone.

My little hurtful cloud clusters were -

1. Broken Trust, how can I trust him again?
2. All the lies - has he lied to me about other things, has he told me everything?
3. Will he do it again if in the same situation i.e. feeling unhappy with his life?
4. Complete lack of loyalty
5. The hurtful things he said during the affair, how he defended her over me at several times
6. The anger, bitterness, cynicism, hurt and sadness I feel
7. Complete loss of self esteem, self worth and confidence
8. How could he leave me and our kids and break up our family
9. Dramatic change in how I see life and relationships in general and our relationship

I realised, as I was writing all these things down in their little clustery clouds, how much they were hurting me inside and how bitter I felt about them and how much I resented him for making me feel these things and it suddenly came to me that I haven't actually forgiven him. Oh, I have told myself and my husband and our counsellor in the past that I am committed to our marriage and have forgiven and forgotten and can move on and make a fresh start and I even tricked myself into believing it.

But the truth of the matter is, each of those clustery clouds represents the things I haven't forgiven him for. And if I am to get rid of this resentment, I actually have to forgive him, the two things go hand in hand. Its how the universe works, good vs evil, forgiveness vs resentment, etc.

Don't get me wrong, this whole process has made me realise that inside of me there is a dark black place, slimy and weedy and murky, where all the nasty things creep and crawl that we don't want people to know out about us, that doesn't want him to be forgiven. It wants him to suffer and hurt as much as he hurt me.

But that place is where the resentment monster lives. And the resentment monster has dragged my muse there and is keeping her captive and I want her light to shine so the monster has got to go. Resentment has to be replaced by forgiveness.

So how do I forgive him for all those hurts? How do you actually mentally forgive someone? Its more than just saying 'oh I forgive you', after all I did that before and it turned out to be a lie. How do you feel forgiveness?

I needed to find out. I figured the clustering and brainstorming had led me to this enlightened state so far so why not continue and see if I could figure out the answer to forgiveness.

I looked at each of my little black thundery cluster clouds and tried to think of silvery linings for them. Some positive thought or logic that will negate and repel the resentful thoughts each time I think of them. I imagine them as St. George's shield which he uses to deflect the fireballs the resentment monster/dragon is spewing at him. (Galadriel is over there in a corner, tied to a post, yelling enthusiastic shouts of encouragement

So here goes....

1. Broken Trust, how can I trust him again?

- Everyone deserves a second chance to prove themselves
- In the end you can't make someone trustworthy but you can try to be a trustworthy person yourself

2. All the lies - has he lied to me about other things, has he told me everything?

- If I knew about other things would it really make anything better or different?
- What if there is actually nothing left to know, he has told me everything

3. Will he do it again if in the same situation i.e. feeling unhappy with his life?

- Maybe, maybe not. But if he did, this time I know the relationship is not worth saving and he is not worth fighting for
- I don't think he would do the same thing....he might leave me but not in this way, he would just leave

4. Complete lack of loyalty

- He did treat me badly, he did betray me
- But I do believe he is sorry for what he did and feels badly about it
- I do think he would like to take it back and he knows he made a mistake

5. The hurtful things he said during the affair, how he defended her over me at several points during the affair

- In the heat of the moment he jumped on the defensive and let his base instincts react & speak
- He knew he was doing the wrong thing which made him more bitter, and he was confused

6. The anger, bitterness, cynicism, hurt and sadness I feel

- I don't like these things
- I don't like feeling them and I don't like them taking me over, its not who I am
- It doesn't promote happiness or make me a better person

7. Complete loss of self esteem, self worth and confidence

- I am valuable, I am desirable, I have merit and worth, I am a good person, I am a wonderful mother
- Other people like and would like me
- I am strong, I can accomplish anything on my own

8. How could he leave me and our kids and break up our family

- It is hard being us. We have 4 kids under 6, we both work full time.
- It is tiring, exhausting and sometimes its not fun
- Sometimes even I feel like walking away
- He was unhappy and confused
- In the end, he chose us over her

9. Dramatic change in how I see life and relationships in general and our relationship

- Even though many relationships go down the gurgler, not all do or have to
- This is about more than just me and him, we are a family unit
- Bad things happen to everyone, its how you react to those bad things that makes you who you are
- I want to be a happy person (a happy person that also writes

I have realised now as I am writing this, these positive thoughts and logical reasonings are more than just St. George's shield, they are the little darts and arrows he is firing into the resentment dragon that will eventually weaken and kill it. They are the blade of his sword that is cutting my muse's ropes and setting her free.

How do I know this? Because this post is the longest thing I have written in over a year and I have enjoyed writing every word of it. Thank you Holly!

[jennyann1000]

Congratulations on your breakthrough!

[JaneE]

Wow.

I'm just blown away by your story, and how you've used the tools in HTTS in such a brave and imaginative way. I'm utterly inspired.

Thank so much for sharing this... and I'm cheering for you and your Muse!

[marti-v]

Wezandtez, here's another thought for 7. that might be helpful. It's one I used for years before finally making the choice to end my marriage.

You have a choice. Always. If you stay, it's because you choose to. You can always choose otherwise later.

For me, it was like giving myself permission to go if I wanted, an admission I wasn't really trapped. And eventually my choice did change.

I am in awe of your candor, your thought processes, and your writing. Thank you for sharing.

[Texanne]

Wezandtez --

First, welcome to How to Think Sideways. Sounds to me like you've found the right place, and you'll fit in just fine. You just missed a great contest that Holly ran, asking students how they used the principles of Sideways Thinking in their lives. That Sweet Spot map is a beaut, isn't it? Family is a serious thing, and requires a lot of determination, flexibility, and kindness from all parties.

Second, WooHoo! for your Muse. I'm so glad she has found you again. Your post is almost like a magazine article, so you're doing fine. Keep us posted on your progress through the course, and don't hesitate to ask for help as you go along.

And again, welcome to the class and to the forum. TX

[Cat-Gerlach]

Thank you for sharing. This is really a great example on how a few words can change a little piece of the world. I do hope it will work out for you and your family. You might discover amazing things about yourself when you give your husband a second chance. And if he's not worthy you can -as Marty pointed out- still draw a line. But this time you can do it without the hurt and without feeling VICTIMized.

[Kate]

What a powerful account, both for its candor and content. Resentment is so corrosive, and like you, I've found it feels marvelous to finally let it go. And look what happens once you do: your Muse alights and your writing just takes our breath away.

[jollygreen23]

What an amazing story. I applaud your ability, not only to break down such a hurtful part of your life into parts, but to analyze those parts to move on to a happier life. Congratulations.

[wildheart90]

Okay. I love this story. I can't believe how much you've learned in such a short time! This is an amazing breakthrough.

As others have said you need to know you have a choice in this. Staying is not your only option. I hope you can work this out.

I am very happy for you. Welcome to the class!

[hdarling]

I have to echo all the sentiments expressed above, especially the idea that you still have a choice; whether you forgive him or continue to resent him, the choice is yours.

But what I wanted to suggest all the time I was reading your missive and the responses was that you write a story about whatever you'd like to do to make things feel all better - make him an antagonist and yourself the protagonist, and have him be a dead body very soon! Make "her" the killer, if you like. Or show how utterly despicable he is, and have the protagonist kill him, whether in self-defense or to save the world, etc.

Writing the message you did will go a long way to easing your soul, but as you know from having told your husband, yourself and your therapist that you forgive him, saying it doesn't do much if it isn't heart-felt. Writing a heart-felt murder mystery may help. Give it a try.

Harriet

[Holly-Think]

Congratulations on a huge breakthrough---and on starting to get your writing back.

That's a dark place to be. I've been there; it ain't fun. Not every spouse is worth fighting for, but even though they screw up, some are. Some families are worth saving.

Have to suggest that writing your husband a fictional villain sounds to me like a way to worsen the situation rather than making it better, though. For relationships you want to keep, you have to focus on seeing what's worth keeping about the person you love, rather than dwelling on what went bad.

I'm cheering for you.

[wezandtez]

Thanks everyone for all your kind comments....I am still really excited about it I missed my muse LOL

The HTTS lessons are really great. I am finding Holly's techniques are a great way of freeing up my muse and looking at writing AND life in ways I probably would never even have considered. I have always been more of a 'feeler' than a thinker and using some of Holly's more logical techniques has helped me to analyse what I needed to analyse, rather than spending all my time 'feeling' and going around in circles.

I have to agree with Holly, I think its far better to focus on the positive rather than the negative. In my situation I think there has been a direct correlation between resentment and negativity and the disappearance of my muse. Plus I do not want to give one more iota of my time, energy or thoughts towards that other woman. She is simply not worth it.

However I do believe that later on, should one of my character's face betrayal or be filled with bitter resentment, I will be able to write those scenes with true heartfelt emotion and depth of feeling because I have been there. In that way my characters will benefit from being more human, more flawed and more whole than they would otherwise have been. I guess every experience, even the most awful ones, is fodder for our muse

Lesson 2 has been fun...I've never done anything like that before. Its amazing how quickly the paper filled up. Roll on Lesson 3, I just can't wait!

[Holly-Think]

<snipped>
However I do believe that later on, should one of my character's face betrayal or be filled with bitter resentment, I will be able to write those scenes with true heartfelt emotion and depth of feeling because I have been there. In that way my characters will benefit from being more human, more flawed and more whole than they would otherwise have been. I guess every experience, even the most awful ones, is fodder for our muse

Believe it. All life is grist for the story mill.